I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.