once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Ah..makes sense now
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
mom had nothing to worry about
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.