16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
how to market bottled water to dads
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom