* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
You Might Also Like
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.