Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Bros before Ohioes
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
A woman drives into a bar.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’