The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.