Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.