Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I like long walks away from everyone
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”