Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.