Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.