People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
You Might Also Like
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?