“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.