They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
lol
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
HELP 😭