Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.