I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Spotted in New Orleans.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*