I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You Might Also Like
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.