Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
it must be school picture day
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.