My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
People buying plungers never look happy.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Never forget.