“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know