The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
They got a point!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.