A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]