Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?