babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !