Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who