On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!