One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
How can I say no to this ?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.