remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Straight people are cancelled
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
crazy
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
i dont have time for this
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.