Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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and this one
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos