Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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Cucumbers Anonymous
Noah was an idiot.
They’re the worst 😩
#gardening
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.