‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.