barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Waiting for the Charmin
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)