The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?