God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain