I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over