[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
barbara was highly relatable
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?