My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
You Might Also Like
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Lucky old June.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
*sewing*
A thread
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.