*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
There’s never enough good news
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house