I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You Might Also Like
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is