People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike