Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
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I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?