Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try