dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.