Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”