Every BBC series about the universe.
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Cats are still liquid.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Can Happiness buy money?
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.