Practicing safe sax
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.