No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I bet
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor