You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
synchronized noseblowing
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit