HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭