I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]