me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.